Monday, April 23, 2007

Pissing in All the Wrong Places

"Lie to any women this weekend?"

"Nah. Remember that girl from last week? Things are going good with her, I finally closed the deal."

"You banged her?"

"No, no, I just hooked up with her. I mean, it was cool. I threw her out of the house when she told me her ex boyfriend was coming to pick her up, though."

"So things are not good, then?"

"Nah, it's cool. I was just drunk."

"Ahh.... right."

"I did spend Saturday night in a cop car though, the cocksucker caught me pissing on the side of Thatcher's."

"You know that place has a bathroom, right?"

"Yea, but I can't really go if there's a ton of people there. So I was outside smoking a butt, and figured I'd go take a piss, so I walked around by that side door that faces the parking lot."

(That side door is in full view of not only the parking lot, but also a major road at the crossection of three towns).

"So this cop rolls up, and yells at me, tells me to get in the back seat. I started talking shit to him, and asks me if I want to get arrested. I told him he couldn't arrest me, not if he wanted to. It wasn't even optional."

"He saw something that said you were in the military, huh?"

"Well... yea. I was talking shit to him anyway, mostly because I was wasted. I mean, what was he gonna' do, seriously arrest me for pissing outside a bar?"

"No, he would have arrested you for mouthing off to him, and then probably resisting arrest when you resisted. Or, at least, he would have arrested me for that. Not you ex-military cocks."

"Yup. He wrote me a ticket, I don't know for what though. What the hell can they ticket you for? Public urination? Eh, either way, he told me at one point to shut up, because I wasn't even making sense. I told him, "Yea... well... you're not making any sense."

"Great comeback."

"It's true, I can't read a damn thing he wrote on the ticket. I also told him that I'm going for the police academy soon. He says, "Where are you gonna' get a job?" I told him New York City, and that if, when I'm a cop, I ever see his ass in New York, I'm going to arrest him for being a dick."

"I can't fucking believe he didn't lock you up."

"The best part of the night was that I saw these girls I hadn't seen in a really fucking long time. You know, I used to be a fuck up and stuff, so when they saw me they were like, "Oh, it's good to see you straightened yourself out, blah blah blah." I thought I was doing good, and sure enough twenty minutes later they come outside to have a cigarette and where am I?

"Sitting in the back of a cop car?"

"Exactly. I didn't get the chance to talk to them again though, or else I'd have told them that he was a buddy of mine and was going to give me a ride home."

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