Saturday, July 21, 2007

Observations on Weddings

1. Tailors are the wizards of this century; the suit didn't fit before, but it does now, and you didn't cut it. As confused as I am about the whole thing, I tip my hat to you men and your dark magic.

2. Wedding cards suck. I'm a single guy who has been invited to two weddings for two women I know. Being the manly man that I am, I don't want my card to have bows and ribbons and shit on it, I just want it to say, quite simply, "Happy Wedding. Don't fuck it up" and then a spot for the money I'm dropping you. That's it.

3. I'm a single guy. If you're getting married, you better have hot friends. If you don't, hire some to keep me occupied, or else I'll inevitably end up drinking copious amounts of rum and falling down the stairs while probably swearing about some minority. If you don't want me to ruin your wedding, get hot girls there, or else all bets are off.

4. Wedding cards suck. I am a poet, albeit an unknown and sometimes crappy one (but a poet nonetheless.) I laboriously count stressed syllables, load up on alliteration, and try to make it as perfect as possible. And what do you fuckers do? You rhyme "sing", "ring", "thing", and... "ring" again. Fuck off.

5. Don't put rum in the open bar. My liver thanks you.


Buzz said...

Nice one...

Last wedding I went to I was also a groomsman, a single bull amongst already taken heafers is not a pretty sight.

Neither was my WWE style entrance into the reception.

Being cut off from the open bar, yeah that wasn't nice either.

Your Vick post was a good one too Irish, keep the anger, but use it on the page.


Irish said...

There was no rum... but there was lots of Jameson... which is becoming the devil to me..