My phone vibrates at 9 in the morning. I pick it up and the first thing I hear is, "Yes, I have your wallet."
"Fuck man, screw my wallet, what the fuck did you do to me?" I say.
"What the fuck did I do to YOU? You deserved it!"
"I can't move my arm and I got a black eye. What the fuck did we do?"
"Well, we got outside that strip club and you decided you wanted to bareknuckle box outside. So we went at it, and I took you down, and you had me in the guard and we were just hitting each other. Then that bouncer came out and started yelling at us going, "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TWO DOING? What's WRONG with YOU?" and then Prushka came running out yelling at me. Alex was dancing around us while we were fighting, doing that Mick Jagger chickenwalk shit."
"The stripper I'm going to marry."
But anyway, we ran to the truck cause we... well, didn't know what else to do. You were a violent little fucker last night- when we were on the turnpike going home you kept slapping me, and I told you that if you did it again I was going to pull over and beat your ass. So then you caught me with a good one right in the ear, so I pulled over and went after you. That's when Alex decided he was going to learn to drive stick shift and jumped in the driver's seat and ran the curb and hit that guardrail."
"Yea. The funny thing was two cops passed us and left us alone. I still can't believe we're not in jail."
"They must have had something really fucking important to do if they passed up arresting us. They would have been doing us a favor if they locked us up... "Christ guys, Save us from ourselves".