Tuesday, November 06, 2007

When the Fates Flick your String

My phone vibrates in my pocket as I sit in rush hour traffic.

"What's up?"

"Nothing. Your father totalled the Subaru. Can you call work and tell him he's not coming in?"

"Christ. Is he OK?"

"Yea, we're fine, we were just going to vote, and something happened... I'm sore, his shoulder hurts, but we're alive, so it's alright." How about that Irish morbidity? Never fails.

"Fucking Christ, it was both of you?"

"Yea... but my cell phone is about to die, so can you call them?"

"Yea, yea, of course, no problem."

That could have been both of my parents in one fell swoop. It's funny what you think of during the near misses, when you realize that any given night could be the last that you spend with those you love... Especially when it's not just you that you'd have to deal with, but also your little kid brother.

I'd have to take the kid. I'll be damned if I let any of the other fuckers in the family come near him... and I'd couldn't even drink my way through this one, because he'd be depending on me... I'm 23, and there is absolutely no reason that he should go anywhere else, and I would have to take care of every financial thing, funerals, insurance... sorrow and sobriety are terrible bedfellows, that would be tough... it would be like that Dave Eggers' novel... I'd be paranoid about him for the rest of his life, would never let him go out, never go in another car ever again without me driving it. Oh the nightmares that poor kid would have, oh I've been there.

If they had me at the scene, I would kill the other driver. I would kill him in front of his fucking kids, and I wouldn't feel bad for a second, just put my hands around his throat and choke the life out, How dare you make my brother an orphan! No mercy for you tonight, my friend.. The cops would try to hold me down, and I'm sure that I would hit a couple of them, I'm sure I could plead temporary insanity later on. That wouldn't be for me... though I dread the day, I have come to accept that one day my parents will not be around, but my brother, he has no conception of loss, of death, he doesn't know how to handle that..

People laugh at me when I utter the phrase, "There is no tomorrow." I laugh cause I know they have no idea what they're in for.

1 comment:

BH said...

What's even more amazing is the strength you find where you thought none existed when you lose both your parents. Yeah, it fucks you up, but you go on and muddle your way through as best as you can. The toughness and the walls it causes to develop are useful and those walls exist for a reason. Unfortunately, they're also a hinderance at the same time. Enough time passes and you slowly start chipping at them so they lower against your instincts. Then life decides to throw a little more shit your way. But hey, that's just me.